101 ways to kill umbrige
by TheObsessedMoronSociety
Summary: It's exactly as it sounds a list w/ oneshots off killing umbridge. My friends help/wrote w/ some of this. Rated T due to swearing, and well, killing umbridge. Written by Scarf
1. Chapter 1

**Mitten here**

**If you don't remember me from the last fan fiction, well too bad. I guess I'm the beta here again**

**This fanfic was written by Scarf, with help from me, Boots, and Hood.**

**Since Scarf forgot to do the disclaimer, I'll do it for her**

**THEOBSESSEDMORONSOCIETY DOESN"T OWN ALL OF THE FOLLOWING: Harry potter, Hellsing, Angel Beats!, or Penny Arcade.**

**Ja ne**

**-Mitten**

* * *

101 Ways to Kill Dolores Umbridge Part I Numbers 1-25

1. gunshot What an unlucky woman. What happened? She got shot in the head. ...Well, see ya on Monday!

2. fire No one ever figured out how the fire started.

3. tornado It wasn't the tornado that itself that killed her but the bathtub that landed on her.

4. tsunami She was out on the beach when the waves hit.

5. Avada Kadava She never saw it coming.

6. gets hit by a train .like a fly on a wind shield

7. gets a role in Friday the 13th Jason hated the toad woman, she was the first to go.

8. Hanging Her execution was over quickly and everyone cheered

9. Voldermort ..oh, the irony! Coming to a theatre near you...Toad Woman vs. Snakey!

10. Barty Crouch Because I'm the author of this fanfiction and I want him to kill her.

11. Gets hit by a tree when no ones around .no heard her screaming and no one really cared

12. homicidal mime they sneak up on you and then...*mimicking stabbing motions* Boots wanted to write this one to so:  
Headmistress Dolores Umbridge walked into the head master's office at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry at about midnight one evening. She had snuck out for a snack of a whole trecal tart, some pork rinds, and a glass of high end wine opening her door, the toad turned to put her wine away. Turning back to her desk, Umbridge saw a mime that had most defiantly not been there before sitting on her desk. Opening her mouth to scream, the fat one found that she couldn't make a sound, and that everything had become completely silent. The mime was now standing right next to her, pretending to be trapped in an invisible glass box. When Umbridge tried to move away, she felt the glass around her...FORMING A BOX SHE COULDN"T GET OUT OF! Becoming worried, Dolores banged on the box, but it wouldn't budge. The mime turned towards her, and its eyes had began to glow a eerie red. It mimed stabbing the fatty, and Dolores felt a sharp blade pierce her throat. As the body fell, the mime moved away and opened a window. Balancing on the sill, it smiled creepily at its latest pray. Then the homicidal mime jumped out the window and into the night

13. diet well, it has the word die in it!

14. Alucard ( Hellsing)He's a psychotic, murdering vampire that has an anger management problems! Of course he kills her!

15. Everyone in Hellsing ( it's the my favourite mangas!)They all have weapons and anger management issues...she didn't stand a chance.

16. Hit by the Night Bus I think we hit hit a toad, Ern!

17. Hypnotized by Naoi ( Angel Beats)  
You are a...you know what, screw it. Go jump of that cliff!

18. Everyone in Afterlife Battlefront ( Angel Beats, read it! _Mitten- Or watch it!_)  
Because they have guns...and because I really want them to.

19. Me.  
Because she's evil and must be eliminated!

20. E- I mean Boots ( her codename on our joint profile TheObssesedMoronSociety)  
She wanted to write this so:  
Dolores Umbridge sat in the headmaster's office of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It was late, about midnight. Suddenly she heard a knock on her door.  
"Hello? Who's there?"  
The door opened and a tall, slim blond girl walked in.  
"my name is Lily Bleedingheart, I'm a muggle with a knife collection, and I m here to kill you."  
Umbridge stared at the girl. How dare she threaten the senior undersecretary to the minister of magic. Insolent muggle, how did she even get past the wards? Umbridge drew her wand and pointed it at the girl. Opening her mouth to say a spell, the girl slashed it in half with a knife.  
"A stick isn't the best way to defend yourself against a murderer, lady. I'm just here on orders from my commander. I d apologize, but from what I've heard, you re a real bitch. Sorry."  
And with that the girl reached over and sliced the fat toad's throat. She then busted out a window and landed next to a tall, dark haired woman. "Let's go, Lex. I feel like this is one I won't regret killing"  
And with that the two women walked off into the night.

21. Me+my friends...at night Because we hate her.

22. Gabe from Penny Arcade ( one of my favourite web comic)  
Because he's incredibly violent and has a cardboard tube

23. Mutiny By the Slytherins. Who are finally doing the right thing!

24. Anarchy Because when the Ministry falls, she will fall with it!

25. Cult Because all cults need a human sacrifice. Support the cults!


	2. Chapter 2 2651

**Disclaimer: This is the first time I've had to do this( Mitten did it last time cuz I forgot.) I own nothing, cuz if I did Umbridge would have been killed one of these ways.**

101 Ways to Kill Umbridge

( because she's evil and I hate her)

26- 51

26. Hunger Games

Katniss saw the pink woman screaming strange things as she was killed. She should have known better than to draw attention to herself on a battle field!

She was not prepared.(a/n: the zombie apocalypse is coming! **BE PREPARED!**)

28. stabbed by a hobbo

He wanted food. She wouldn't give him any. What more needs to be said?

29. giant oven

Like in Hansel and Gretel...the witch was very happy.

30. eaten by Big Bad Wolf

The huntsman didn't feel like saving her. And they all lived happily ever after.

31. assassination

Cuz you know someone wants to take her out.

32. arsenic

…...Okay, that is pretty cruel.* anime sweat drop*

33. forced to read Twilight

Her head exploded.

34. Montoya

She was annoying. She had to die.

35. Edward Elric

…...what more needs to be said?

36. Adrien from The Garden shows up (It's a awesome web comic, and if you know all the other stuff I've been referencing and laugh; then I find you awesome, we could hold a decent conversation and you should read The Garden.)

He has anger issues...big ones.

37. Is pushed into cement mixer

by my friend who shall be known as A.(cuz I can't tell you her actual name.)

pushed in to wood chipper

Also by A.

39. William Tell

He missed. Or did he?

40. Grail( from Black Butler or Kuroshitsuzi)

Grail,in the Great Hall, with his chainsaw.

41. Everyone in Black Butler or Kuroshitsuzi ( remember what I said about The Garden? Apply that here as well.)

She died very painfully.

hit by javelin at track meet

…..* whistles while walking away.*

43. killed in avalanche

Her screaming is what caused it.

44. into the sun

She fucked with Wendy Testaburger. (A/n: for those of you who haven't seen South Park, which I find kinda sad, **you. Don't. Fuck. With. Wendy. Testaburger!**

45. cow stampede

* scratches back of head* I'm not really sure how this would happen...I mean cows are pretty slow...* turns to co-authors i.e. Mitten, Hood, and Boots. " how would this even happen*

*she was impersonating the toads-mitten*

….we decided that it just happened, okay! And she died! End of story.

46. Rat from Pearls Before Swine

He finally got his gun!

47. Snape

…...I'm gonna guess he poisoned her.

48. Dumbledore

" Screw the plot! I want her dead! I don't give a damn if they arrest me! Lemme at her!"

49...almost everyone in Harry Potter

Actually, I'm pretty sure even Fudge wants her dead...I mean he sent her to a school where the students are being trained to take over the government!

poisoning

she's fat! Some of that food has to be bad!

51. demons

because even hell hates this woman.


	3. Chapter 3 52 to 76

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I believe we all know this. Now then!**

101 Ways to Kill Edward Cullen

Umbridge

**52-76**

52) drowning

she's too fat to float

53)wolves

…..they attacked, she died.

54) my OCs Chris and Matthew

They're grim reapers, and they don't like her.

55) rabid bunnies

they aren't so cute.

56) Ninjas!

because ninjas.

57) my other OC Insanity

…..he tends to kill people.

58) Hateful Wonderland by Hatsune Miku( my favourite Japanese singer! look her up on Youtube!)

…..I can't really explain this one unless you watch the video. Sorry

59) Broken Human Machine by Hatsune Miku

seriously, you have to watch the video to understand this one.

60) pissed off girl scouts

She wouldn't buy their cookies.

61) dressed up as Kenny( South Park)

Somewhere in Colorado, a boy in an orange parka is jumping for joy.

62) Daleks from Doctor Who ( an awesome sci-fi show that's been around for a long time)

" **EXTERMINATE!**"

63) Cybermen also from Doctor who

"You are inferior. Man will be reborn as Cyberman, but you will perish under maximum deletion. Delete, delete, delete, delete!" (a/n: this is an actual quote and so is the Dalek quote.)

64) killed by evil Goldilocks

She wanted that porridge.

65) House from House M.D.

Because Gregory House is bad ass.

66) the devil

…...he's the devil, what explanation do you need?

67) homicidal clowns!

because clowns are f***ing scary!

68) dragons

she burned to death, how else?

69) Saw

...(a/n:I haven't actually seen these movies and I don't really want to.)

70) Maximum Ride

Because they have dealt w/ scarier s**t than Umbridge and won.

71) Jace from the Mortal Instruments series

Because he is bad ass and he has weapons!

72)Centaurs (liken what should have happened in book 5!)

Um...whatever you imagined happening to her before we found out she was still alive!(a/n: god I wished they'd killed her.)

73) old age ( waaaaaay too long!)

The old woman lay in the hospital. She was 98 years old and she was dying. No one had visited her in months. She had had three surgeries on her heart and two on her hip. None of them did any good. The doctors gave up and simply left her alone. Once upon a time she'd been respected, she had a high ranking job, she'd been happy! But that was all gone now. Gone was the respect. Gone was the high ranking job. Gone was her youth. And gone with those thing was her happiness. Once upon a time, she had been somebody. Now she was old and reduced to laying in a hospital bed with a few machines to keep her alive. There would be no happy ending for her, only the sweet relief of death. Gone would be the strain on her lungs and on her body. The machines beeped in the background but she took no notice. The old woman was tired, so very tired. So the old woman closed her eyes and slept. The machines droned filled the empty room. (a/n: yes this was supposed to be sad.)

74) crushed by a house

" Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas any more."

75) Everyone in A Midsummer Night's Dream

cause Puck will murder her in her sleep.

76) Everyone from Sandman by Neil Gaiman

Because the Endless can easily kick her sad ass.


	4. Chapter 4 77 to 101!

**Disclaimer: I. OWN. NOTHING.**

101 Ways to Kill Edward Cullen

I mean Umbridge...although you could also apply these to said

fake vampire...please do. Cuz I hate both of them...a lot

77) Anti-Umbridge fans

Because we would.

78) voodoo doll

pokey pokey pokey with the needle

let the evil witch die! ( tune from None Piece on youtube, episode 2 parody of One Piece)

79) Dumbledore's Army

They're supposedly trying to start anarchy, of course she'd be the first to go!

80)anvil( like in the cartoons)

SPLAT!

81) Hagrid's "pets"

cuz they only eat evil people

82) dementors

evil. It's a government offence.

83) Guard Duck from Pearls Before Swine

He has a missile luncher and a bad attitude

84) Killed by Freddie

1-2 Freddie's coming for you

3-4 Better lock the door

5-6 Get your crucifix

7-8 Better stay up late

9-10 Never sleep again

85) Killed by guy in Halloween ( whose name I can't remember, you know the guy that kills everyone.)

He stabbed her 101 times

86) Alcohol poisoning

She choked on her own bile

87) Death by exploding!( it's from Naruto Abridged on Youtube it's awesome!)

Mrs. Expendable has left your party.

By exploding!

Nice going, loser.

88) bomb

It was under her chair. ( Angel Beats reference)

89) Arson

She burned in her sleep

90) MI6 sees her as a threat( for those of you that don't know MI6 is the British secret service)

She was immediately taken out

91) Everyone in Black Cat

Guns, swords, theft, assassination, shape shifting, and eyes that can see the future. What more could you ask for from an anime?

92) dies in desert

dehydration, duh

93)unknown sniper (Oyama from Angel Beats)

Cuz he can shoot her ass down!

94) Victim on Bones

….you can choose the episode/way she dies

95) Electrocution

She went swimming...during a lighting storm.

96) murdered

…..I just said she was murdered. What more do you need to know?

97) Agatha Christie

Best murder mystery writer **ever**!

98) becomes character in And Then There Were None

_Ten little soldier boys went out to dine;  
One choked his little self and then there where Nine. _

_ Nine little soldier boys sat up very late;  
One overslept himself and then there were Eight. _

_ Eight little soldier boys travelling in Devon;  
One said he'd stay there and then there where Seven. _

_ Seven little soldier boys chopping up sticks;  
One chopped himself in halves and then there were Six. _

_ Six little soldier boys playing with a hive;  
A bumble bee stung one and then there were Five. _

_ Five little soldier boys going in for law;  
One got into Chancery and then there were Four. _

_ Four little soldier boys going out to sea;  
A red herring swallowed one and then there were Three. _

_ Three little soldier boys walking in the Zoo;_  
_A big bear hugged one and then there were Two. _

_ Two little soldier boys sitting in the sun;  
One got frizzled up and then there was One_

_ One little soldier boy left all alone;  
He went and hanged himself _

_ And then there were None._

( actual poem from And Then There Were None)

99) " Pikachu! I choose you!"

I think you can tell where this is going

100) Eliza (again)

…...

_**101) DIES DUE TO DEATH!(INSIDE JOKE)**_

" _**What should we write in the police report sir?"**_

"_**...Write that she died due to death."**_

" _**But sir! What about these stab wounds?"**_

_**Eliza walks in**_

"_**Shhhhhhh!"**_


End file.
